The sponsor-sponsee system of Alcoholics Anonymous/ Narcotics Anonymous may be viewed as a special example of a boundary (see blog 40) both for the sponsee and the sponsor.
The sponsee should be able to find in a sponsor a guide to the Twelve Steps, someone who in turn is actively working the steps. A sponsor does not necessarily have to be a friend but should be available in person, by phone or at meetings. A sponsor should not be a business partner, a lover or a financial adviser. These are examples of boundary violations. The sponsee needs to find a new sponsor if any of these boundary violations take place.
Likewise, the sponsor has a right to expect certain basic prerequisites when taking on a sponsee. I think it is only fair that the sponsee be known to the sponsor for at least a few months before becoming a sponsee. If this is not possible, then the sponsor may agree to be a temporary sponsor.
The sponsee should approach the prospective sponsor directly, and not through intermediaries, a behaviour I have personally seen on more than one occasion and which is totally inappropriate in assuming a new and responsible Path to Recovery.
I believe the sponsee and the sponsor should meet at either a live meeting or an on-line meeting at least once a week. Meeting socially once in a while or just talking on the phone does not cut it. Otherwise, what is the point of having a sponsor?
If the sponsor sets up written Stepwork for the sponsee, then the sponsee should do the Stepwork without being asked to do it repeatedly. The sponsor may well consider getting rid of the sponsee who fails to comply with any of these simple requirements or boundaries.
After all, if the sponsor and the sponsee aren’t going to any meetings in common, the sponsee isn’t doing any “suggested” Stepwork, or the sponsee isn’t following any relapse prevention strategies, then the sponsor may feel that he/she is wasting his/her time. This creates frustration, or perhaps even resentment. If the sponsee is repeatedly ignoring the sponsor’s guidelines/suggestions, they are violating boundaries of the sponsor/sponsee relationship.
Before accepting to take on a sponsee, specific expectations should be expressed from the outset by the prospective sponsor so that the prospective sponsee knows the rules and boundaries from the very beginning. If these parameters are not acceptable to the sponsee, she/he is free to seek another sponsor.
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