Resentments

Addicts/alcoholics cannot afford resentments in Recovery. The Big Book of A.A. is very clear about this. Unbridled resentments often lead to a relapse.

What is a resentment?

It is a recurring bad feeling of self-pity and anger, of having been treated unfairly, not necessarily by people but sometimes by life’s circumstances. There is very often a component of poorly expressed anger or even rage; a resentment is in fact a failure to communicate effectively.

To use a physical comparison, it is like a wound that does not heal because one keeps picking at it. For this reason, a resentment, if left to its own devices, festers and does not heal. This “wound-picking” has an obsessive quality to it and stems from a need to be in control, a desire to manage the attitudes and behaviours of others. It also has a selfish quality which distracts from being spiritually healthy. It may also stem from an oversensitivity to the “scab” (the original perceived insult or offence). The resentment is aggravated by poor insight and immaturity, just as a child or a pet is incapable of letting a wound heal on its own. This all results in a “re-feeling” of the negative emotion which is what the Latin origin of the word “resentment” literally means.

One should distinguish between the surface emotion of self-righteous anger (which is the superficial manifestation of a resentment) and the deeper feelings of low self-esteem, sadness and loss which are at the core of a resentment. It is the awareness of the core feelings which will help us proceed to the next stage – which consists in minimizing, if not eliminating our resentments.

How do we eliminate resentments?

Since feelings of loss, low self-esteem, and sadness are at the root of our resentments, we must try to practice acceptance (by implementing the Serenity Prayer or the kind of acceptance of loss found in Buddhism). Acceptance (especially of loss), the tempering of expectations, mindfulness (also a concept found in Buddhism), living in the moment and the capacity to self-reflect and meditate are all useful methods used for centuries to reduce or even eliminate resentments.

Meditation can help us gain insight: the insight perhaps to see things from the other person’s perspective. Once we can stand in the other person’s shoes for a little while, we may be able to start communicating and maybe even forgive that other person eventually (see Blog 51). Is this easy? Not at all. Personally, I find this to be one of the hardest tasks in Recovery. I am far from achieving this perfectly. But I keep working at it. As difficult as it is, it is essential (even if carried out imperfectly) because we as addicts/alcoholics cannot afford to let another person or several people live rent-free in our heads!

Since low self-esteem is often lurking somewhere amidst our resentments, it is necessary to talk to others about this: others in the program, our sponsor, perhaps a health-care professional. Low self- esteem needs to be confronted, reduced, eliminated, if possible. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (a type of psychotherapy) may be very helpful.

In the meantime, practice civility. A loose, unbridled tongue actually feeds resentments.

Also, if possible, become active and involved in your community. There is nothing like an active life of service to dispel feelings of resentments. In a sense, community service helps in replacing negative hateful thoughts with positive constructive action. We may not be able to change our inner thoughts immediately, but an active life of service may eventually lead to an inner transformation.