The following guidelines are just recommendations and suggestions, not definite rules. There are successful exceptions to every guideline in this blog.
A general rule of thumb in the 12-step fellowships is not to engage in new relationships in the first year of recovery. A good foundation in recovery is essential prior to the formation of new relationships.
For those who do nevertheless become involved in “early recovery” relationships, it is best to seek advice from others: one’s sponsor, one’s support group, reliable friends. Whether to get involved in an “early” relationship is always an individual decision but in early recovery, insight and judgment are usually impaired.
Is the desire for an “early relationship” just an attempt to get a “dopamine fix”? Premature relationships may be nothing more than a substitute for the lost substance; they also divert attention from the self-care demands of early recovery.
Treatment centres unfortunately may add to the problem by unintentionally encouraging individual relationships to develop within the treatment facility which threaten healthy recovery dynamics. A relationship with a support group in early recovery is more important than a relationship with an individual.
A new relationship in early recovery can develop out of a need for approval and validation. These are not good reasons to start a relationship. Commit to the program first and foremost. Get to know yourself well before committing yourself to anyone else.
In early recovery, one undergoes rapid and frequent physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual changes. Our emotions are all over the place. These often-bewildering metamorphoses may preclude the successful development of a new relationship and may in fact even jeopardize long-standing relationships!
Let’s now examine how early recovery may affect long-standing relationships. Many break-ups and divorces occur within the first few years of recovery, after the addict/alcoholic has achieved abstinence. Just as it is a generally good idea not to start a new relationship in the first year of recovery, so is it a rule of thumb to try to hold off making a decision with respect to separation/divorce in a long-standing relationship in at least the first year of recovery. If a long-standing relationship is worth preserving, certain measures should be considered, especially in early recovery, when emotions may be volatile and nerves are frayed. Good relationships require that the partners first look inward and know themselves thoroughly. Commitment to a program of recovery is essential. Only then can skillful communication become possible. This skillful communication is what allows the relationship to improve. Couples counselling may be necessary but it requires the willingness of both partners; the willingness to seek advice and guidance.
In conclusion, early recovery is a time of rapid tumultuous change. This fact alone tends to mitigate against the advisability of new relationships in early recovery. This period of change also endangers many long-term established relationships. With proper measures however, long-standing relationships may not only survive but also flourish.
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