For many of us, the process of Recovery may be seen as initial anxiety and alienation gradually evolving into calm and connectivity.
Usually, at various times in our using and drinking history (indeed, even before our first drink or drug use), we have felt isolated, disconnected, meaningless and empty. We may have felt panic or an identity crisis, especially in unfamiliar and isolating environments. Many addicts and alcoholics have felt a lack of meaning in their lives and a particularly overwhelming sense of purposelessness and inadequacy. There is a pervasive lack of connection, not just to others and the outside world, but to oneself. We are confused about who we are and what our place in the world should be. This feeling of inadequacy, this sense of dread, foreboding and fear of the unknown contributes to and rationalizes the ongoing use of drugs and alcohol. All of the above may be aggravated by loss (financial, job-related, loss of a loved one). By the time we hit rock bottom, we are usually angry and frightened people. We do not trust others. We are unhappy. We are humorless. In a word, we are experiencing dis-ease.
The purpose of Recovery is to find one’s place in society and the world at large, not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. Recovery means that one is “at ease”, one is comfortable in one’s own skin, one feels connected both to oneself (self-awareness) and to others. By working the program, a meaning and a purpose to life gradually develop. It may take a while but over time, a sense of peace emerges, and with it a sense of freedom.
A word about solitude. Blog 56 dealt with the positive qualities of solitude. Solitude is indeed a wonderful component of Recovery. However, it ends precisely where existential anxiety makes an unwelcome appearance. Healthy solitude cannot coexist with dread and morbid isolation. Connection with other recovering addicts/alcoholics should always be a part of any Recovery program, whether or not regular solitude is practiced as an adjunct to any healthy Recovery program.
There are those who, through no fault of their own, will not be able to implement the tools of Recovery, those who are congenitally unwilling or unable to connect with others. If they are not able to do this, their chances of attaining sobriety and Recovery are poor. However, the good news is that most alcoholics/addicts DO have the capacity/ability to connect. (I am very loosely paraphrasing the A.A. Big Book “disclaimer”).
The best antidote for dread, isolation, social anxiety and existential angst is connection with people. In many cases, this means getting involved in service work, helping others both inside and outside of the program. In other instances, addicts/alcoholics with a fear of public speaking have found that Recovery meetings gradually removed this fear, because everyone is called upon to speak and share her/his experience honestly, initially in front of a small group of four or five, eventually in front of a crowd. (An interesting observation: an alcoholic/addict can sometimes be far more honest in a room of complete strangers than he/she can be with friends and family). Many of the things that used to trigger fear in us (not having the answers to everything, dealing with unpleasant feelings) we now find we can face with confidence. This is because we have shared these insecurities with others.
Not all connections are desirable, however. We must also learn how to get rid of the distress and anxiety associated with being codependent doormats for others – by learning how to set healthy boundaries (see Blog 40): this increases our sense of ontological security and serenity.
In Recovery, the nihilistic feelings of existential anxiety gradually diminish in frequency the further along we get. Nevertheless, we allow (in fact, we welcome) sad feelings such as those felt at a loved one’s funeral. We no longer suppress these feelings with chemicals. These feelings are normal and are not alienating. They are part of a well-balanced life. They are part of the connectivity we now experience with the rest of the world.
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