An expectation can be defined as a strong belief that something will happen. It can be good for one’s Recovery or quite detrimental, depending on the nature of the expectation and the stage of one’s Recovery.
An unrealistic expectation is a resentment waiting to happen. Resentments are toxic to one’s Recovery. Therefore, in Recovery, one should try to keep unrealistic expectations at bay. Examples of unrealistic expectations: the family member whose behaviour one expects will change for the better and never does; the expectation that in Recovery, everything will be exactly as it was before drugs and alcohol became a problem; indeed, the expectation that drugs and alcohol can fill the void inside of us in the first place.
In general, expectations are dangerous in early Recovery. They take us out of the moment and place us in the future which we can’t control anyway. We need to learn to live in the moment, especially in early Recovery. At this point, acceptance should be practiced maximally and expectations kept to a minimum. Hope in general is preferable to expectations, especially for things we can’t control. In particular, we should not be placing expectations on any one person. This is a recipe for disappointment.
On the other hand, we should have expectations from ourselves because this is something we CAN control to a large extent. Expectations with respect to our personal Recovery should be prioritized and fulfilled to the best of our ability. We can follow guidelines for daily routines which keep us safe, clean and sober. These are good expectations to have, the useful kind, the attainable kind.
Similarly, we can have realistic expectations/guidelines/standards for ourselves in the workplace, when we are able to work again. Again, these kinds of expectations are generally within our personal control.
In Recovery, what we can’t control, we must learn to accept. Our expectations become more realistic with every passing year in Recovery because we learn to accept life as it comes. We practice detachment from the expectations we can’t control, and we fulfill the expectations we can control (mostly the expectations having to do with ourselves). The Serenity Prayer is a perfect guide to managing expectations.
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