Sponsorship, as described in the Twelve Step programs, has become a vital and important concept in the age of the Covid-19 pandemic. It may not be possible to attend live meetings for the time being but it should be possible to meet one’s sponsor using appropriate precautions.
What should one look for in a sponsor?
A sponsor is first and foremost a person in the 12-step program who helps another alcoholic/addict work through and understand the Twelve Steps. Therefore, a sponsor should also be currently working on the Steps in order to pass this knowledge on to someone else. After all, as is commonly stated in meetings, “you cannot give what you do not have.” A person looking for a prospective sponsor should always ask which Step he or she is currently working on. This will give a good idea of how serious a prospective sponsor is about the Twelve Steps.
Who makes a good sponsor?
A sponsor may eventually become a friend but this is not a necessary condition for sponsorship.
A sponsor is most definitely NOT a business advisor, business partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, sexual partner or person of sexual interest. Any of these situations automatically excludes the possibility of sponsorship.
The reason for this is that one should be able to complete an honest, transparent and thorough 4th, 5th and 10th step with a sponsor, but one should never do these steps with one’s husband, wife or sexual partner (which could potentially cause great harm and be needlessly hurtful and cruel). (I’ve heard people in the program state that they do the 10th step with their spouses every evening! I do not recommend this).
When I came to my first 12-Step meeting almost 30 years ago, the sponsor at that meeting was a surgeon who told his story of intravenous drug addiction. After the meeting, I asked him to be my sponsor, thinking that the best sponsor I could have would be a fellow doctor. Although he was in fact a pretty good sponsor, I have since had even better sponsors who come from very different backgrounds from my own. The point is that it is often better to choose sponsors with entirely different life experiences because there is frequently more honest feedback from these kinds of sponsors. Sponsors/sponsees in the same profession may feel more inhibited both in their honesty and in their feedback to colleagues.
Can I change sponsors?
It is O.K. to change sponsors when you feel you have learned as much as you can from one person and you feel the need to move on. Thank your current sponsor for all his or her help and let him or her know that you need to move on to someone else. He/she will (or at least should) never take it personally.
It is not O.K. to change sponsors in a knee-jerk reaction because you got feedback that you did not like. Calm reflection on the feedback often proves to be invaluable.
Some people in the program say that they have two or more sponsors at a time. I personally do not agree with this approach because you may get several conflicting opinions from several simultaneous sponsors on how to approach the 12 steps and this can create great confusion and frustration. Best stick with one sponsor at a time.
If you are a newcomer and you find a good sponsor, try to stick with that sponsor from Step One to Step Twelve. This will give you (the newcomer) a very good basic understanding and overview of the program.
If you are not a newcomer and have been through all the 12 Steps already with one or more sponsors, it may not be necessary to revisit all the Twelve Steps. (For example, it may not be necessary to revisit Steps 8 and 9). In this instance however, it is good policy to work at least Steps 10 to 12 (the so-called Maintenance Steps) diligently with a sponsor and to revisit the other Steps as necessary and as recommended by your sponsor.
In Summary
Sponsorship is a brilliant concept developed by the founders of the Twelve Step programs, designed to assist the recovering alcoholic/addict in understanding the Twelve Steps on an individual/personalized basis. It has acquired additional meaning and importance in these times of social distancing and avoidance of large gatherings.
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