The Willingness to Forgive Others and Getting Rid of Resentments

Getting rid of resentments and forgiving others are not the same things. While it is always necessary to get rid of resentments in Recovery, it may not be always be possible to forgive. Many years ago, it was pointed out to me (by an A.A. member who was also an addictionist) that forgiving others is essential in the relationships we wish to pursue. Forgiving others is ONE of the ways we get rid of our resentments.

But what happens if we find ourselves in a situation where forgiveness is not possible for us? 

There are instances in which harm has occurred to such a degree that forgiveness is no longer feasible. An ongoing relationship in these cases would no longer be possible. 

However, a resentment (which literally means the constant “re-feeling” of negative emotions) must still be eliminated or reduced as much as possible, even though forgiveness may not be achievable. “Out of sight, out of mind” is the principle probably best applied in this circumstance, in order to get rid of (or at least minimize) our resentments.

Remember: resentments are killers in Recovery. Whether we forgive or not, holding on to a resentment is not an option for us. For the purposes of this blog, I will discuss forgiveness of others only as applied to an ongoing active relationship. 

Forgiveness should be accompanied by significant and lasting behavioural change in the person being forgiven, otherwise the whole process becomes futile and only leads to further resentment. In turn, forgiving others implies that the person doing the forgiving now has to wipe the slate clean – it is not possible to forgive if resentments are still present.

Properly done, forgiving others represents peace of mind. The capacity to forgive is a barometer  of one’s progress in Recovery. It shows respect for others. Although it requires effort, energy and willingness, forgiveness is easily given to those who deserve it.

Remember: regardless of whether we can forgive certain people or not, we can never afford resentments! Although true forgiveness is a very effective way of getting rid of resentments, in its absence, resentments must still be dealt with, one way or another – through the assistance of a good sponsor, therapist, friend, priest, rabbi or minister; through the Twelve Steps; through meditation or prayer; through whatever method works for you.