Making amends (Steps 8 and 9) unfortunately does not guarantee forgiveness but it is necessary if reconciliation and forgiveness are to take place at all. Mending relationships (rapprochement) in Recovery is a multifaceted process; it requires humility and willingness to start bridging the gaps (or chasms) in our relationships with others brought about by our substance abuse.
Note that the action of making amends does not depend on the other person. Nor can it be achieved by sobriety alone. Making amends/mending relationships/rapprochement requires making a list of those persons harmed, it requires apologies and, most importantly, lasting behavioural change is essential on our part. It may be necessary to listen extensively to the grievances of those harmed and to engage in a frank and open discussion, without resorting to excuses or justifications for one’s past actions. Where direct amends are not possible, a symbolic act of atonement (such as contributing to a charity along with a significant change in behaviour) is a viable alternative.
The word “rapprochement” has a probationary tentative quality to it: initially, our new selves may be evaluated suspiciously and cautiously by others. The process is a slow organic evolution of maturing in Recovery. There is no endpoint. There is never perfection, only progress. In fact, it is a work in progress. It requires us to be both patient and consistent.
Rapprochement may lead to a tentative warming of relations (not necessarily forgiveness as yet). Forgiveness and reconciliation (which may come later) are possible (but never guaranteed) positive outcomes of making amends.
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