12-step meetings don’t always offer you direct feedback or advice. However sponsors (if sought) can offer you direct one-on-one feedback. In my opinion, this is one of the most potentially beneficial features of the Twelve Step programs. This type of one-on-one feedback need not be intimidating, if received in the proper spirit. In fact, if the relationship with the sponsor is a good one, the advice or feedback can be groundbreaking and invaluable, even life-saving.
Recovery/Accountability meetings for the specific substance-dependent professionals, for example health-care professionals (nurses, doctors, pharmacists, veterinarians, etc…) often feature group feedback which can at times be confrontational. This can potentially be an intimidating experience since it involves a number of people giving feedback to a single person. This can feel like you’re under attack.
The first thing to remember however when receiving feedback in any setting is not to take it personally. The person giving the feedback (sponsor or fellow member) is most likely not malicious and although the feedback may feel hurtful, it is intended to be helpful.
The next thing to remember is that you are not being attacked, YOUR DISEASE is being attacked (although it may feel like the former). The disease inside of you wants you to feel hurt so that you will not heed the advice or suggestions of others.
The next thing is to try very hard not to react or respond in a knee-jerk type of reaction. Feedback is not an invitation for debate nor is it necessary to defend oneself or justify oneself. The best option is to reflect on what has been suggested over the next few days. “I will reflect on what you’ve said” is a good response to use after receiving feedback.
Don’t attack or “shoot the messenger”, neither immediately after receiving advice nor after having mulled over for days or weeks suggestions obtained. It has been said that the mark of good Recovery is simply to seek advice or counsel and to reflect on it. No one says you actually have to take it or implement it. That is up to you. There is no need to take the advice personally as an attack.
The vast majority of people in the program are acting out of kindness, giving you the best feedback they can at that moment in time, and in a selfless manner, based on their often considerable wealth of experience. It does not mean that they are infallible. They are however almost never malicious.
If after giving due consideration to feedback, you feel that it is not helpful to you, then let it go. Take what you need and leave the rest behind. What you should NOT do is attack the messenger. I have seen this happen. Attacking the messenger is never indicative of progress in Recovery. It is almost invariably associated with a poor outcome, usually an imminent relapse and/or a spiritual deterioration.
Listening to feedback is a cornerstone of Recovery and Progress. Reflecting, (not reacting, not attacking), is the appropriate response to well-intentioned feedback/advice/suggestions proffered by one’s sponsor or other members of the Recovery group. Remember not to take this personally. Your disease is being confronted and attacked, not you personally. How you absorb this feedback (not necessarily agreeing to it or implementing it) will determine your future progress in Recovery.
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